Be Vain

Cling to your good looks while they last. Youth is the only time you’ll get away with vanity, pride and ego so wield these weapons carelessly and make no effort to disguise them. Seek out your image in every reflective surface and become entranced with this elusive, beautiful stranger.
Take the free drinks, backstage passes, bus stop passes, street worker leers and music store discounts while they’re around. If one thing is certain it’s that one day you’ll be old and ugly and no one will want to look at you unless you have a “personality” or “power” or something… So cash in on the cute, dumb stares and firm buttocks while you can because there’s nothing cute about some old ass trying to flirt their way into free shit.
You’ve got it. Flaunt it. Before you know it, you’ll be shaking your head and cursing quotes you used to herald like, “It’s better to burn out than to fade away,” as you stare at your bloated living corpse in the shower, having smashed all the mirrors on your 30th birthday. Living like you could die tomorrow only sucks if you don’t.


Don’t Have Children

This may seem counter intuitive, but having children is pretty much the only sure way to squash enjoying your youth as a meaningless void marked only by shame and regrets.
Nothing stunts childish behavior like an actual child. Children make you wake up, eat, and clean; life’s top three productivity staples. Let’s face it, you can always adopt. But you can’t always wake up under a pool table in Chinatown drunk and high at noon on a Tuesday, consequence and fancy free, if you’re a parent. Unless you want to deal with the guilt and/or the law. And you don’t.
So smash your biological clock and get a pet – a fish or a plant – something you won’t ever have to bury or explain life to, and that you can’t go to jail for killing. Go ahead and waste your precious and fleeting youth the way you want and the way man intends — single, sexually active and barren.

Be Shy

Being aloof is essential for encouraging missed opportunities, both personal and professional. Don’t underestimate the power of connections, and be sure to avoid them. Don’t look directly at anyone. Look up or down or out the window or at a book, your phone, your hands, anywhere but into the face of another human soul. Master the art of appearing distracted; hurried, frazzled. Give clear signals that you’re deep in your own head, busy with your own very important thoughts. Try talking to yourself (or just moving your lips) and furrowing your brow or nodding your head rapidly as if confirming some phantom voice. Show up late, disheveled and shivering, like you’re always cold; pulling your hood on, your collar up, or your sweater tighter in around yourself.
Cultivate a rich inner life and shut most everything else out. Try repeating negative and self deprecating phrases like, “She already has enough friends”, “He’s probably a pedophile,” or “My hair is stupid,” whenever you find your private extrovert trying to get out. Maybe indulge a superiority complex instead, by silently judging everyone around you with mantras like, “You pathetic simps,” or “They’re all sheep.” (Something heavy-handed and nihilistic is preferable).
Don’t volunteer. Don’t introduce yourself. Build a mystique that some may take for eccentricity, snobbery, drug addiction, or vapidity. Pay no mind to these potential murmurs. Remember, what people say about you behind your back is really none of your business. Now go get yourself a wide brim hat and some dark glasses and get ready to reap solipsism’s cool rewards.